


Letter to you

by Eevee10



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Erwin needs a proper goodbye, Fluff and Angst, Gender-neutral Reader, Hurt/Comfort, I'm still not over it, Lemon, Mild Fighting, No Proofreading We Die Like Men, Other, Reader-Insert, Return to Shiganshina Arc Spoilers (Shingeki no Kyojin), Season 3 Spoilers, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:48:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29357505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eevee10/pseuds/Eevee10
Summary: Reader visits Erwin the night before the Return to Shiganshina expedition and shares their feelings with the Commander.This is very much a Lemon, from the second chapter on. You have been warnedOkay, so I heard an audio a while back that kind of inspired this. The idea is that Erwin and the Reader have known each other for a long time, and the night before he leaves they drop by to tell him they love him. And then things get steamy :P.Comments and feedback are much appreciated! Let me know what you think!Here is the aforementioned audio: https://soundcloud.com/angisepticeye-septicness/commander-smith-last-night
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith & You, Erwin Smith/Reader, Erwin Smith/You
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be much shorter but I got carried away and it's going to have two, possibly three chapters. Le sex happens in chapter 2, chapter 1 is all angst, so proceed with caution.
> 
> Also update on the relationship between Erwin and Reader, just academy buddies.

_My dear,  
By the time you’re reading this, I will be dead._  
Stars, Ewin, this isn’t a report…

 _My sweetest,  
I’m sorry I’m not there to hold you…_  
This is even worse, can’t you be less sappy?

 _Darling,  
I hope this letter finds you well._  
Fuck Erwin, what’s wrong with you???

The Commander crumbled the third piece of paper in his hands and threw it across his desk. He sat back in his chair and sighed deeply. Wasn’t it enough that his writing looked like that of a six-year old with his left hand? Did he really have to sound so unlike him in that particular letter?

It was the eve of what he knew was bound to be his last mission. He was hoping that it would get humanity the chance to really gain knowledge on the titans, to perhaps gain the advantage they never had before. His end would be of use to mankind. He had no second thoughts, no regrets.

Well, he did have one regret. That’s what the crumbled pieces of paper were trying to compensate for. You. He hadn’t seen you, he hadn’t told you yet. He didn’t just want to disappear, nor did he want to let someone else inform you of his death. So he was trying to put the words down himself, to write you something for you to keep. One last piece of him, as a gift. However small. 

_As Commander, I have a duty… lead the troops… this is my biggest gamble yet… the stakes are too high… I am replaceable… half a man…_

A knock on the door made him look up from the piece of paper he was scribbling in now. He looked around, found a map and pulled it over the letter, then tried to sound as annoyed as possible when he said:

“Who is it?”  
The door opened a crack and, to his surprise, your head popped inside his office.

“Can I come in, Commander?” you asked

He nodded. You entered fully, then closed and locked the door behind you. You approached him, and the small room was crossed in a few steps. He looked up at you, standing on the other side of his desk, in full uniform, the thorned roses of the Garrison adorning your jacket. You crossed your arms and looked at him as if he was a mischievous child who’d just broken the vase, and he smiled.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked. Your eyes darkened.

“So when would you tell me? Tomorrow, as I lowered you over the wall? Maybe never? Would you like to pretend I don’t exist at all?” you snapped. He chuckled at your tone. 

“Who told you?” he asked.

“Commander Pixis thought I should know” you replied

“Did he now…” Erwin’s voice sounded thoughtful as he continued “So, are you here to stop me? To tell me that Hange and Levi are more than enough leadership for the Scouts? To remind me of my injury” he raised the remaining of his right arm into his sleeve “and that I have no business in the field?” 

“No” you said. He looked up, genuinely surprised.  
“I know you have sacrificed everything for the truth. I know you hold it in the highest of places. I know the 13th Commander of the Scouting Regiment carries the wings of freedom on his back, and that humanity cannot advance without him. I just you wanted to share it with me” 

You could already see his azure eyes glistening with tears, but you didn’t move to console him. For this, he had to answer.

“I…” he started, then stopped. Just like before, he couldn’t find the right words. 

“What? Speak Erwin, for the love of the gods!” you spat

“I was going to write you a letter” he whispered.

He looked like a child again, tiny and ashamed, and this was a side of the Commander only you were privy to. 

“You think a letter would have made this alright? A letter would have been enough?” now your own eyes were filling with tears. Did he really think so lowly of you? Did he think that all you were permitted, all that you deserved, was a letter?

“No! But can’t you see? I am a coward!” he yelled and got up so violently the entire desk shook. You’d have made two steps back if it was anyone else opposite you, at any other moment. But you stayed pinned in your spot, the heels of your boots unwilling to yield. 

“I am the biggest coward of them all! I was going to leave tomorrow, avoid your gaze, and I was going to leave a letter for you to read after I’d died. Because I dread your reaction. I dread your tears, I’m scared! I’m scared that…” he paused, and you could really see him crying now. “I’m scared that, if you looked at me, you’d convince me to stay”

Your voice was small when you spoke.  
“Would that be so terrible?” 

His eyes fixed on you, he circled the desk to reach you. His hand was raised and hovered over your cheek, but he didn’t advance his affection to comfort you. You blinked at him and the tears that were pooling in your eyes ran freely down your face. 

“They won’t do it if I don’t go” he whispered. Lies. He knew it was a lie the moment he said it. The look you gave him made it clear you thought so too, but you didn’t say anything. Instead, you walked away, all the way to the window and looked down, at the cobbled interior yard of the HQ, where the soldiers prepared for the expedition. You could recognise some Cadets from the Garrison who had volunteered to be Scouts. You bitterly remembered your own application being declined, certain it was Erwin’s doing, but you hadn’t confronted him about it. Come to think of it, there were many things you hadn’t told him. Mainly because you thought it was better this way. You knew him since your Cadet days. He chose the Scouts, you chose the Garrison. You always admired the way his brain worked, so you rarely pestered him with the things you considered to be less important. But not this time. This time might be the last you had left with him. There were some things he had to hear before he headed out in the morning.

You turned around, wiped your eyes with the back of your hand and headed back to him. He hadn’t moved. You stood before him, piercing him with your gaze. He knew that look all too well. Cold determination.

“I love you” you said

“Wh-what?” he stammered

“I love you, are you deaf?” you said back, louder this time. His face was a picture and you wished you had a mirror to show it to him. 

“I-” he tried again, with even less success.

“No, let me talk” you replied.

You closed your eyes, took a deep breath and opened them again. When you opened them, his expression was as dumbstruck as before.

“I’ve known you for what, fifteen years now?” you started, the same determination as before coloring your voice “And I’ve loved you since the first day, Erwin. At first I thought I was silly, thought it was the effect you had on everyone else. And I kept telling myself that for years, kept telling myself that I admired you, that the worry I had every time you ventured out of the walls in pursuit of your precious truth was justified by friendship, or whatever the relationship we have is.  
I was fooling myself. When they brought you back all those months ago, bloody, clinging to your horse, right arm missing… I lost it. I was sick with worry. I was sending so many letters to Levi and Hange, asking them if you improved, that Levi rode all the way to where I was stationed to tell me to cut it out”

Erwin chuckled. Classic Levi.

“And even after you healed” you continued, voice breaking just the slightest bit “I realised I needed to see you. I needed to know you were alright. I yearned for your touch. I needed to hear your voice. I couldn’t sleep, nor eat, you occupied my head all day, every day, and the pain of being away from you was physical. When you pulled that uprising I became sick to the mere thought of losing you. I saw them building your gallows. I almost came to visit you in your cell, but I couldn’t see you like that. I couldn’t trust myself to not do anything dumb.  
And then Commander Pixis comes into my room this afternoon, telling me that your latest bright idea was to try and reclaim Shiganshina. And you didn’t even bother sending a note. I know you declined my application to join the Scouts after you brough Jaeger back the last time. If this is your way of keeping me safe…” 

“I can’t lose you” he interrupted you. Surprised, you didn’t reply immediately, which gave him the time to talk. 

“I… You think your feelings are one-sided? I love you dammit, and I don’t know since when. Maybe since forever. You are the only one I have ever loved this much. In my entire, miserable life. You are safe in the Garrison, you are safe guarding the Walls. I wasn’t going to change that. I’m not going to risk your life” he said, loud, clear, almost yelling, and each word was a knife to your heart. He did care. He loved you. And that made you even angrier.

Grabbing his bolo tie, you pulled him towards you. Your face now so close to his you could practically feel him, you stared into bright, blue, sparkling eyes.

“Then why, for the love of the stars, didn’t you say anything earlier?” you whispered. 

“I told you… I am a coward” he said, and his words caressed your lips. Your eyes darted up and down his face, and then, pulling him only an inch closer, you kissed him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, Le Sex is happening, you have been warned.

We kissed and kissed, for what seemed like forever. His lips on mine were hungry, desperate, and he kept kissing until there was no more breath left in us. He broke first, panting, chest heaving, and carefully brushed his thumb over my bottom lip. My grasp on his tie was a little looser, but still there.

“What now?” he asked, so softly I could barely hear him.

“Erwin… We have so little time… There’s so much… So much I want to-” I panted but his thumb moved up and silenced me.

“Let me… Just for tonight, let me have you… Please…” he whispered against my lips. I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded in his palm, frantically. He turned to the right and led me backward until my butt hit his desk. He bent to kiss me again, and this time it was sloppy like his mouth had other places to be and my lips were just the first stop. And truly, he kissed along my jaw, then down my neck. I moved my head to make it easier for him and he took advantage of every inch of flesh I was willing to provide. He spent time on my neck, marking, giving me something ephemeral to remember him by. 

I pushed the jacket off of him, yanked his shirt open, and slid my hands over his torso. His body, eager, melted in my touch. I’ve wanted to touch him for so long, but not like this. Not in a hurry, standing up, pushed against his desk. I always imagined him laid in his bed, surrendered to me, naked and glorious under my fingertips. But I was going to lose him tomorrow and by the gods, I was going to let him know how I felt before he wore the Commander cape in the morning. 

I pushed him back.  
“Undress,” I said  
He complied, obedient. I took my own clothes off as fast as I could, made them a pile on the floor, and the next time I looked up, I gasped.

He was there. Standing before me, a god, sculpted out of marble, with every scar, every bruise, and every imperfection highlighted by the candlelight. He stood there, my Erwin, with his one arm and his bright eyes half-lidded. I bent and picked up his bolo tie, the Commander insignia, and wore it around my neck. Tonight, he was mine. 

I approached and he bent and kissed me again and it was careful, soft, almost afraid. I let my hands caress his sides, and then my right hand slipped into his left one and I pulled him to the bed. 

“Lie down” I whispered. He did, never taking his eyes from mine. With his head upon the pillow and his hair splayed around it, he looked divine. His eyes begged me to go close, to cover the gap between us. I wasn’t going to disappoint him.

I straddled him and suddenly he blushed. He looked so out of character like that, on his back, eyes pleading, cheeks flushed red. I smiled and bent down to kiss him. My hand traveled between us, found him, and stoke him. He hissed.

“How long?” I asked him. His brows knitted together in the middle of his forehead, his expression almost that of pain, and he gasped.

“Too long…” he replied.

“I should have said it sooner” I breathed on his lips. 

“No, I… Fuck, I should have said something…” he panted. I was so hot, so ready for him, that I bet he could feel it. His palm touched my face, his eyelids opened ever so slightly, and he looked at me with lustful eyes. “Please… Don’t make me wait any longer…” 

I don’t remember hearing the curse escaping me, I just know I said it because he looked amused. I sat up, aligned him with my core, and took him in, slowly, steady, looking deep into his eyes and trying not to scream.

It was his turn to curse. His head fell back on the pillow, his sole hand grabbing my hip and gently guiding me up, so I could repeat the movement. I did, slowly, and he gasped again. It took me a minute to get used to him, but after that, I picked up a pace, slow and desperate. 

His hips bucked into me, and I grinded against him every few strokes. He brought his body up, on his elbow, and looked in awe as our bodies locked together so perfectly like we were halves of a whole being reunited. I registered his right arm moving up as if to touch me, and when he remembered he couldn’t he cursed.

“Damn my arm… I want to hold you...” he grunted. 

I stopped, much to his displeasure, and grabbing his hand, I helped him sit and crawl back until his back was supported by the headboard. He looked at me, grateful, as I repositioned myself and resumed our ritual. His arm snaked around me, and I was grateful for the support. 

“I’m sorry…” I panted, bringing my forehead against his, closing my eyes, feeling him wreck me whole. “I’m so sorry I don’t… If I had the answers you need… You wouldn’t have to leave tomorrow… You’d stay and love me…” 

“You don’t deserve me…” he whispered “Please… My love, remember me whole… Remember me young and strong… Like I was when you met me… Not like I am now…” 

Instead of answering, I kissed him. I tried to fit a lifetime of things in that kiss. I tried to make up for the lost time. As if I could make this night, this very moment, last forever. 

He brought me to the edge like that, tears spilling from my closed eyes, and I came undone around him, with a desperate call of his name. He followed me soon after, his whole body shaking, and then staying still, emptying warmth inside me. I kept my forehead against his until I could feel my entire body heavy, stiff, and cold. 

He gently helped me off of him, then got up and headed to the other corner of the room, where the porcelain bowl and jug full of water sat neatly onto a table. He returned soon, with a wet cloth, and carefully cleaned be up from his seed. I waved him to join me under the blanket and he did, pressing his warm body against me. I took my place by his left side and he embraced me with his arm, holding me close. 

I looked at him until the candle burning on his desk was almost out. I was so tired, but I couldn’t let myself drift. If I did, the next time I’d open my eyes, he’d be gone. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked me some time. 

“They’re not worth that much, Commander” I replied. 

“Humor me. I’m a dead man walking” 

I took the bolo tie off and held it in my hand. 

“This is just a trinket,” I said. 

“This trinket means I am Commander”

“Yes, but you’d go out there tomorrow even if you weren’t. What you said before isn’t true. You’re not going tomorrow so they can follow. You’re going because the truth, your one true love is out there, in that basement. And you need to see it firsthand. I would kill to know what the hell is in that cursed basement. Then perhaps, you could love me as I love you. Utterly and completely”

He contemplated my words for a moment, then said:

“I wish you hadn’t met me” 

“Why would you say that?”

“Because I’m causing you pain. If you hadn’t met me, if you’d chosen another life and not that of a soldier, you would be happy. Probably married off to someone, perhaps a child running around and another in your arms… I’d walk to my death tomorrow happy if I knew I had left nobody behind” 

I stayed silent for a while. His words were true but they were far from what I wanted.

“Erwin, I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret loving you. I’ll spend the rest of my life grieving your death, I will never love another as I love you, but I have no regrets. Your soldiers dedicate their hearts to the cause. I dedicated my heart to you, a long time ago. It’s beating in your hand, it’s yours”

He didn’t answer me. He just squeezed me tighter against him, until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore, and I surrendered to sleep, clutching his tie, with my face buried in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I could have made it not angsty but porn and angst are my jam so I'm sorry. As always, comments feedback are much appreciated!


End file.
